Because sometimes, you need one more day to reboot the bad vibe. It happens.
Recently I had one of those heavy, bad days where everything seems to be bad, sad or hopelessly that there is not enough Meditation, Palo Santo or coarsed salt to sage it away. One bad news after another, one cruel slap after another. And I just kept reminding myself that tomorrow the vibe would be different, so I should hang it on there, keep breathing that it all shall pass. And that is how I went through that day: looking forward for a renewed tomorrow. And then tomorrow came and guess what? Although the heavy vibe was not around, in my early morning walk I sprained my ankle. Damn.
Sometimes the bad vibe ripple can still resonate for a little while.
Let it be. Don’t fight with it. Just let it be. For a while. Embrace it. Allow it to be. Get to know its reasons, be a friend to it. Listen to it. Welcome it. Comfort it. Get its back. Breathe all the way through. And let it be. Until it goes away on its own. Cause it will. Sooner than later. If you let it be.
So, after a very long time alone, last year I finally got a boyfriend. Or something like it. I explain: I met this cute Russian-American guy in New York City in my very first app date. And it was a pretty good date. I was shocked because I was not expecting it. I thought it would be a fiasco, that he might be a psycho, that we would not have anything to talk about. It wasn’t. I liked the guy the moment I saw him at the bar and our chat flew so well as if we were already friends… I could not believe it. He made me laugh, made me feel comfortable… I was at ease and so was he. He was very charming, a gentleman, smart, funny, fun to be with and good looking . As it is often the case when I like the guy, after our first date I was already imagining a romantic future for us. Together. Of course that my down to earth mind was telling me all along: it is too soon to call. Let it be, let it flow and see.
Anyways, we started to see each other, but only like once every week. From his side I don’t know exactly why we were seeing each other just once a week since we seem to like each other, but from my side I knew: I was very busy with my New York life (up to that moment with no romantic activities in my schedule) plus I just had started dating again via apps so I also had a few dates already planned to go. And since we were not official I thought it was Okay. And I thought that might be his case too.
I am gonna skip a little detail that shaked our relationship a bit but also brought us closer, because it is personal and it belongs to him and go straight telling you this: I always thought I was a very weird person. That kind of weird whom things happen differently all the time. Like my first kiss, my first sex experience, my whole dating life, my professional life, my social life, my mysterious way of being me… Nothing is usual or average the least. And that is why I do consider myself a totally weirdo.
And I thought that I would never ever come across someone as weird as I am… til I met him. And in the 5 dates I had with him that proved right: he is indeed more weird than me. The way he ended our first date so abruptly, the way he usually comments things about me, the way he squeezes me hard to show some affection, the way he made me laugh (a good laugh, by the way) all the day through with his weird way of being him and treating me. Just to think of all those little weird details, it makes me smile. He makes me smile. A big one.
As I said before we only had 5 dates and then I had to leave New York and come back to Rio, I don’t consider us an official thing, because, let’s face it: it is not really fair. For both of us. And although we still talk to each other very often, we have been apart ever since. We are still in the knowing each other phase, I guess. But this getting to know process is gonna be a challenge because we are both kind of mysterious, very much protective of ourselves, not so willing to open up that easily, we are both weirdos on that. In a way it is a good thing because we both know how it is to be this way and we end up respecting our limits and paces. At the same time, it is not that good because we have to find a way to open up the window to know each other. Because if we don’t, we will never know how much we actually do love each other. If we do.
The thing is, my heart was dead frozen for so long that when I met him and felt it melting I was so happy… Finally, I might have been in love again. Woo-hoo! But still I am so not used to it anymore that I feel like giving baby steps is the way to go. Not because I am afraid to get hurt but because it feels so new to me that I’rather approach with caution. And in slow motion so I can enjoy every bit of it.
And today is Valentine’s Day. And it could have been my first Valentine’s Day with a boyfriend in a very long while and yet, here I am, weird as usual, far away from “mine”, celebrating alone, once again.
As a person with a loud mind, if there is one thing that I appreciate and treasure is silence. A pity that it doesn’t happen quite often. But when I manage to be in complete silence it is when I can hear my deep self. I haven’t heard from my bliss or dream yet (or maybe I have, just don’t believe and embrace it as I should), but I do hear me speaking. Softly, almost as if it was a whisper, a whisper of me, claiming to be. Whoever I am.
In my spiritual journey, in my personal or professional life that is where I stand: not quite there yet. And in a way, it is Okay. But let’s face it: it can be highly frustrating. Especially when you read other people stories on how they made it. It feels like it all happened like magic, flew so well and the happy ending is lasting ever since. No backdrops. I am sure it is far from being the case (unless you are Carole King, although her happily ever after had some bad moments too), but that is how it looks like it. The truth is: being in the not quite there yet moment is so uncomfortable and there are a lot of agony, anxiety, sadness, doubts, uncertainties, fear, insecurity… that is really hard to talk about it, I believe. That is why we hear little about it.
But that is a shame, because when we are in the not quite there yet zone is when we need the most some ground, some feeling of relatability just to rest our heads on for a moment and yet, we cannot find it.
So if you are in the not quite there yet zone, be aware that you are not alone. I am also there, I am also lost, feeling something major is missing, not so sure if I am going to the right direction, doing the right things. Most of the time I feel I will never make it, that I am not good enough to make it. I feel not worthy. I feel terrible for being trapped here. Because it does feel as if I am trapped. With no perspective to get the hack out of here.
But I have faith. I have mu back. I am here and I am willing to keep up, keep going, hoping to get there. Eventually.