Can You Forgive Yourself?

Image by Alexas_Fotos from Pixabay.

Today I woke up asking myself that question. And my answer, after listening deeply to myself was: most certainly not. And with this answer came one of those a-ha moments when I realized that this may be the reason or at least one of the reasons I keep on sabotaging myself, missing out opportunities, keeping me stuck here in this eternal in-between space, never moving forward or out of here. And it is, because when you cannot forgive yourself you have to punish yourself somehow, because deep inside you believe you need to pay for it. And do you know a better way to do it rather than keep you trapped in this vortex where you are a major loser, with no chance to get it right at the end or to get out of there?

Exactly.

Remembering that forgiveness is not forgetting, that forgiveness doesn’t excuse the behavior, it only prevents it from destroying your heart, it prevents you from being a prisoner, a hostage from something that happened and you no longer have a power to change or re-do it if you could. You can only learn from it and do better, much better next time. And become a better person in the way.

And if you are stuck out there in this prison within, in order to break free, move on, you have to forgive… Others, but especially yourself. And this is so important and yet so hard to do…

I, for instance, am really good in forgiving others, but when I have to forgive myself… not that much. Maybe because I am a perfectionist who can only aim and accept perfection as a result of my attitudes and actions. I have to be that perfect girl. All the frakking time. In every single thing. If not, I feel bad, guilty, undeserving, ashamed, embarrassed, an embarrassment, not good enough, not worthy.

I ruminate things that I do and shouldn’t have done over and over and over again in mind, I feel them crushing my heart every single time. I hold on to them trying to understand, trying desperately to convince myself that “Ok, it happened, learn from it and let it go” but yet, I cannot. And I don’t.

I am there to myself, I comfort myself but still, deep inside I know that I haven’t forgiven myself completely for this or that.

And yes, I did things that I am not proud of, that I should indeed feel bad, ashamed, embarrassed, regretful about. But that happens even to little things that I know I have learned a good lesson from, things that made me a better person, for things I shouldn’t feel bad for because they are perceived as good actions by others, things that I know that at that time I was doing the best I could but still… was not good enough to my high perfectionist standards…

So, regardless, I am always feeling guilty, bad, unforgivable if things go a bit off the perfect road.

Why does it keep on happening then? Because even when you are aware of it, even when you are there for yourself and willing to fix it, still, forgiving is a very very hard thing to do. You have all those thoughts and beliefs pinned so deeply in you that it takes patient, time and effort in a daily basis to revert, to reset, to recover.

It is not going to transform itself like magic just because you know why it happens…

It is hard work, but it is also a vital work to heal yourself, to keep on going, to fulfill your destination.

And because of that it is so worthy.

So no matter how bad was something you thought or did, have the strength to forgive yourself and let it go. Let you go to where you should be. Let the good, kind person that lives within you thrive. If there is anything you can do to make mends, do it. If there isn’t, then learn from it, apply it and keep the lesson with you, let it make you a better being. And set yourself free. Because if you don’t, what is the point? What good can come from it?

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that a prisoner was you.”

– Lewis B. Smedes.

When Not Belonging Is Where You Belong To

Photo: Pixabay.

Since I can remember I always felt an outsider, a person who never found her own place in life, in the world, a place to belong to. Even among people I had a lot of in common with I always felt as if that place was not exactly for me.

And because that has happened for 47 years, I kind of get used to it. Because you do. It felt like that not belonging was where I belonged to.

That unbelonging feeling eventually got homy even. And it brought some advantages along. You become really good transiting anywhere you go, regardless.

You can feel comfortable in the most uncomfortable places/situations. And they will never be an obstacle.

It makes you add different worlds to your own little lonely bubble, if you let it be.

And I did.

You become comfortable under your own skin, thin or thick.

Just once in my life I had that a-ha I belong here moment. It was last year, during one of my Kundalini classes in New York City, more precisely at Kundalini Yoga East. I had been taking classes there almost daily for a little over a month or so and out of nowhere it hit me: this is where I belong. I felt so good going there, practicing Kundalini with those strangers that were not that strangers after class since we got to chat over our Yogi teas. And it was a homy, heartwarming moment to say the least, I must confess. It brought some tears to that practice.

It felt good.

But no longer necessary. Because the place I do belong is right here, anywhere I go, inside me, wherever I am. That is home and always will be. My only true home.

At least in this life time…

Am I Still Waiting For My Prince Charming To Rescue Me?

When I was a teenager and still as an early adult I had this dream anytime things got a little hopeless for me: that a kind, nice, smart, well educated Prince Charming will come in my rescue and would free me from all the pain and would change my life for good. Everything would be Okay by magic. In my delusional times peak I would even think he was coming on a lovely white horse. True.

Don’t need to say that this never happened. And (I guess) never will. And it is Okay. Because if there is one thing that I have learned in those 47 years of life is that I am great at and enough to save myself. From whatever bad situation I am in. I don’t need anyone to do that for me. And I have learned it because anytime I thought I needed a savior, I didn’t get one and had to find my way out of it on my own. Crawling, going round, stumbling, falling and standing up, jumping, walking through… regardless, every single time I made it through. Barely, in pieces but I made it through.

Of course that sometimes I needed some help. But hey, I have learned that there is nothing wrong to reach out to the right person or persons and ask for it, so…

All I know is that right now, I am here very grateful for this important lesson life has thought me by denying my Prince Charming fantasy. It made me realize how strong and determined I can be. That I don’t need a Prince Charming; all I needed was me, having my back. And yes, sometimes a major no from the Universe is a needed yes to something else. Sometimes, a vital lesson.

I must confess that every now and then when things get unbearable the little girl in me rescue that Prince Charming fantasy. But deep inside, now I know that although this could be great to happen, I sure don’t need it. I might want it, but don’t need it at all. And it is sooo good and comforting to know that…