Is Love Ever In Vain?

Image by Shift and Sheriff from Pixabay.

Yesterday, early in the morning, out of nowhere it came to me that it was an ex-boyfriend’s birthday. My last boyfriend. He actually was not a real boyfriend just someone I was starting to know. The whole experience was not a smooth one, because we lived our “romance” for most of its brief time a Continent apart. And since I am not the best when the subject is keeping in touch via messages, videos, texting… I guess at some point he thought I was losing interest in him. But I was not. I was just being me, the antisocial me, the person who sucks in keeping in touch. Or to keep any relationship, to be fair.

So when we reunited al last, he ditched me. With distance and then words in a message. Still don’t know why exactly, but I let him go. Easily. Not because I was no longer interested in trying but because I realized I didn’t like the version of him that didn’t like me. That simple.

And yet, that hard.

We moved on, in different directions and up to this moment our paths haven’t crossed. And I don’t think it ever will. Because that is what happens every time with me and my relationships. They only last till they last. And when it’s over it doesn’t become something else, just a nothing.

And that is the tuff part for me; this nothing afterwards. Because all my exes or most of them were keepers, men that I would like to keep around, in my life. Not for sex or any romantic innuendo but as a friend or at least someone that somehow would still be part of my life, even if sporadically. To talk, laugh here and there, over a coffee. Or a tea.

It’s not because we are no longer in love or falling in love that we couldn’t keep in touch. At least for me. For them it seems an impossible task. When it’s over it’s like I got a terrible contagious disease and they feel as if they need to be far away from me. As far as they can. It’s a matter of life and death.

Dramatic but true. And that is how endings like that makes me feel. A failure. Worthless. Nothing.

Just someone who never had a bad, sore breakup does believe that the first impressions are the ones that remain. In this case, it’s not. It’s that last sad, ugly, sore memory of that melancholic breakup that will stick with you, that will flavor the whole story with its bitterness, regardless the story you had before it. Because when you look back and recall the story, it’s not the good silly times we had together, the way our conversation flew as if we were best friends for years and years, the way he knew how to put a big smile in my face that will come up. All of it is vanished and what remains is how bitter and sour was that ending. How horrible it made you feel. And it’s impossible not to think that that story deserved a better end. Not necessarily happily ever after, but a much better one. I deserved better. You deserved better. We deserved better.

Would then this and other love stories with bad endings be in vain, I wonder?

It sure does feel like that, but then again love is love. And love, regardless the ending, is never, ever in vain.

Never.

About A Broken Heart

It hurts. A lot. And it’s supposed to. After all, it’s a broken heart.

Sometimes we get sad, disappointed and even angry with the other person (because, seriously, how could they?🤣). Sometimes, we get sad, disappointed and so angry with ourselves (because, seriously, how could we make the same mistake again of falling for the wrong person once again?😔).

Other times, a mix of both.

No matter the case, it hurts. And it does, because when we welcome somebody to our world, give them a key to our heart so they can come in and make themselves comfortable, they become a piece of it. The heart expands and accommodates. And when, suddenly that piece leaves, it’s no longer there, we get a hole, a windy, cold, painful hole. That aches. That longs for that little tiny piece to come back. To feel whole, cozy and warm again.

Our hearts take time to realize that once, not so long ago, it worked and functioned without that little tiny piece that now is missing. And it can and will function properly again without it.

Eventually.

If, better, when we let it be.

But until then, it does ache.

A lot.

But guess what? It’s much much better to feel that broken heart pain than to feel nothing. No pain, no love, just nothing. The void of numbness can be a much worse feeling. And usually is.

Much.

Trust me. Been there. Done that. I’d rather feeling each inch of a broken heart than feel absolutely nothing at all. Because being alive is the experience of feeling, whatever we feel, good, bad, beautiful or ugly. And when we don’t, we feel dead inside. And although breathing with the heart beating and the mind thinking, we are pretty much dead.

And is there a worst “feeling” than this?

A Little Something About Happiness

Photo: Pixabay.

A way of living, that is what happiness is. It is not that shiny happy place you need to reach to actually experience happiness.

Happiness it is taking a moment to recognize that you are enough.

That you are grateful for everything you have and have experienced so far.

It’s that sense of being content with who you are and what you have.

It’s the way you chose to see and face whatever happens to you.

It’s being able to enjoy every strawberry (or chocolate or whatever you like) every time you come across one no matter the “weather”.

It’s dancing in the rain and running under the burning sun.

It’s keeping your serenity having a ride in the dark side of the moon.

And your eyes and heart opened to welcome and embrace all your experiences.

Learn from them.

And let them go.

Them and anything else.

It’s letting your life flows.

And go along with.

Breathe in. And out. All the way through.

It’s being you.

Self-caring for your self.

Being kind to others.

Being empathic. Compassionate.

It’s understanding what tolerance really means.

It’s being surrounded by people you love and appreciate every moment of it.

And letting them know, feel this love and appreciation.

It’s being able to understand (and enjoy) the fact that life has its ups and downs, its beautiful and ugly days and you can’t and shouldn’t park your truck in just one station. This is part of what life is all about. And will ever be.

It’s being Okay even when you are not Okay.

Okay?😉🌸

Clearing Out Those Cloudy Days

It has been a while since my last post here and I would love to say this was because my life at this side of the computer screen was pretty busy and exciting. But it wasn’t the case. I was just going through one of those moments when there is this gray cloud above your head surrounding you everywhere you go. Those moments when every little thing you do seems to be wrong or not working. Not the beast place to be, but hey, it is part of being alive. It happens as much as s**t happens. And all we can do is try to make a good sense out of it. Try to learn something or THAT thing that made you go through this.

Breathe. Deep. In and out. All the way through.

Meditate.

Practice some thing spiritual. In my case Kundalini.

Dig deep in.

Pray.

Be opened to listen to yourself.

And embrace whatever it comes.

It also helps to face it with a sense of humour.

Or a sense of adventure.

Because it is an adventure. To the other side. To the shadow-ish side.

A side that is also a part of who we are, even if we don’t want it to be. Really hard.

And if this is the case I have got news for you: this is THE thing that is keeping you stuck. THE thing that probably is sabotaging all your attempts to live a full life, to be you and feel you. To accomplish THAT thing you are so desperately wants.

Don’t fight that part of who you are. You don’t want him/her as your enemy.

Instead, welcome.

Embrace.

Show compassion.

Love even.

Hug honestly.

Or at least let him/her talk and listen.

Be there.

Sometimes that is all she/he/they want.

And if it’s not, being there, opened to listen to a honest answer will get you to figure out what you need to do to move on. 😉🌸

Some Days You Just Feel Off

It happens. And there is nothing I can do to revert it. I wish I could be one of those people who can turn an off vibe into an on vibe. But I am not. Regardless what I do, I just feel off.

Offline.

Disconnected.

Lost in Translation.

As if nothing works.

I can’t work.

Or think.

There is no perspective.

No hope.

Just a sense of sadness.

An emptiness.

Nothing fulfills.

Nothing brights up.

Nothing makes sense.

Not even a post. This post.

All I can do is let it be.

Embrace it.

Breathe.

Stay in.

Have some fun with it.

And wait till it goes away.

Because it will.

Like always.